Nighttime Comics Target Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Plan

TV's prominent comedians spent their airtime ridiculing former President Donald Trump's recently launched visa program, called the "gold card," portraying it as a clear pay-for-access arrangement for the rich.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Take

Opening his show, Stephen Colbert presented a satirical Christmas jingle targeting the president. "He is making a list, checking it twice, and then giving that list to the officials at ICE," he sang. "Trump ... spoils everything he comes into contact with."

The subject was the new plan that permits overseas citizens to purchase U.S. legal status for an investment of a million dollars, with a "platinum" option for five million. The program's portal guarantees processing "with unprecedented speed."

"A brief thought for you to rich foreigners: before you pony up, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He pointed out that the card is also meant to "extract cash" from firms wishing to hire skilled workers, involving significant fees. "That is a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you additionally get a complimentary stay at a property of your selection – provided that it's the that one hotel," he continued.

"Unprecedented vetting the U.S. government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these individuals absolutely qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert responded. "Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "Get Into America Express Card."

"It's a card that will let affluent foreigners to live here," he explained. "For a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your choice."

"Perhaps it's time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the application, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Exactly, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Grocery Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's slipping poll ratings amid financial concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were mad about the economy," he said.

Recently, in a bid to tackle cost of living, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a array of grocery items, and behaved strangely to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a long time."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative news defenses of Trump's economic record. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he remarked.