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Basic Toilet Humor

Toilet humor has always been the reliable retreat in everyday journalism, and publications remain attentive to significant toilet tales and historic moments, particularly within football. What a delight it was to learn that an online journalist a famous broadcaster possesses a urinal decorated with West Brom motifs in his house. Spare a thought about the Tykes follower who interpreted the restroom somewhat too seriously, and had to be saved from an empty Oakwell stadium post-napping in the lavatory during halftime of a 2015 loss versus the Cod Army. “His footwear was missing and couldn't find his phone and his headwear,” explained a Barnsley fire station spokesperson. And nobody can overlook when, at the height of his fame with Manchester City, the controversial forward popped into a local college to use the facilities back in 2012. “He left his Bentley parked outside, then came in and was asking where the toilets were, subsequently he entered the faculty room,” an undergraduate shared with the Manchester Evening News. “After that he was just walking through the school as if he owned it.”

The Lavatory Departure

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century to the day that Kevin Keegan resigned as England manager after a brief chat within a restroom stall alongside FA executive David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, subsequent to the memorable 1-0 setback against Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the legendary venue. As Davies recalls in his journal, FA Confidential, he had entered the sodden struggling national team changing area immediately after the match, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams motivated, the two stars urging for the director to convince Keegan. Subsequent to Hamann's direct free-kick, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a blank expression, and Davies discovered him collapsed – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – in the corner of the dressing room, whispering: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Collaring Keegan, Davies tried desperately to salvage the situation.

“Where on earth could we find [for a chat] that was private?” remembered Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The shower area? I was unable to have a crucial talk with an England manager as players dived into the water. Just a single choice remained. The toilet cubicles. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history happened in the old toilets of a stadium facing demolition. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Leading Kevin into a compartment, I secured the door behind us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I'll announce to journalists that I'm not competent. I cannot inspire the squad. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Results

And so, Keegan resigned, later admitting that he had found his tenure as national coach “soulless”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I found myself going and training the blind team, the hearing-impaired team, supporting the female team. It's an extremely challenging position.” English football has come a long way in the quarter of a century since. Regardless of improvement or decline, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers have long disappeared, although a German now works in the technical area Keegan previously used. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: National team followers, value this time. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football serves as a recall that situations weren't always this good.

Real-Time Coverage

Join Luke McLaughlin at 8pm BST for women's football cup news from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Daily Quotation

“There we stood in a long row, in just our underwear. We represented Europe's top officials, premier athletes, inspirations, adults, parents, strong personalities with high morals … yet nobody spoke. We barely looked at each other, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously as we were summoned forward in pairs. There Collina examined us thoroughly with a chilly look. Mute and attentive” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes officials were once put through by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Football Daily Letters

“What’s in a name? A Dr Seuss verse exists called ‘Too Many Daves’. Has Blackpool experienced Excessive Steves? Steve Bruce, plus assistants Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. Does this conclude the club's Steve fixation? Not quite! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie remain to manage the main squad. Complete Steve forward!” – John Myles

“Now that you've relaxed spending restrictions and awarded some merch, I have decided to put finger to keypad and share a brief observation. Ange Postecoglou states that he picked fights in the schoolyard with youngsters he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his choice to sign with Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware yet the only follow-up season honor I predict him achieving near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|