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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.